Reflecting on a reflection that doesn’t match
Sometimes what we see in the mirror doesn’t match the reality of our situation, mirrors are rife with imperfections and distortions, something we often forget
Bear with me, the title is a bit of an allusion to the age of question that plagues most of us throughout our lives, whether through education, employment, skills or hobbies. I am of course talking about Imposter Syndrome, the ticking little thought that can develop in the back of our thoughts and slowly through confirmation bias trick us into thinking we aren’t at all qualified to do the things we often excel at.
As a person who is entirely too reflective, who spend much of their time ruminating of the ifs, whats and maybes of a situation I am all too familiar with the deathly lullaby imposter syndrome is to any happiness, the obstacle free course it creates to unhappiness. So here I’m sat, writing up some more reflections of my own journey with imposter syndrome and the feeling that I’m not quite where the world expects me to be yet. Turns out you can be exactly where you need to be and that’s how you make the step to where you want to be, it’s the discomfort of not quite being there yet that can hurt the most.
Getting to where you want is often about the journey even if it feels like the focus should be the goal. Unfortunately, without doing the things necessary to get there you often won’t be prepared when we arrive, life makes us think we have to rush into everything, to make the most of a situation or have everything exactly figured out by the time we reach 25 and are catapulted into ‘real adulthood’ aka when the world unceremoniously decides you know how to be an adult.
Oddly, I’ve reached the point of knowing exactly what I want to do, but not quite how I want to get there before turning 25. I think this is due in part to having felt riddled with the sensation of being an imposter all my life (then an autism diagnosis clarified a couple thing) and then getting to the point whereI knew I had skills, I just needed a direction. Well, find a direction I did, my first full time job seemed to be the thing that directed all my interests in autism, helping others, research and my ever expanding capacity to juggle spinning plates (projects).
Looking back on myself when I first started this job two years ago I’m now able to see the growth with a bit of perspective. I’m someone who used to go to others with questions about how things work or what to do next, but I’ve now got to the stage where I am the confidante, the person asked for help and the person with the answers. I no longer feel out of place, but rather that I fit in and in some cases possibly bursting to move onto the next stage. As a person who has lacked incredible amounts of confidence in what I do it is now ironic to be faced with the idea that the opposite of imposter syndrome might just be thought of as arrogance. It doesn’t help that arrogance has negative connotations even when in the company of confidence, pride, conviction and self-belief.
I know that I will be an exceptional person, because I am acting in the ways that are building an exceptional person. I’m focusing on the journey to getting there, the joys and challenges that will come along the way rather than focusing on the goal. I know I’m not there yet but why would peaking at 24 be my goal? I’m in here for the long haul, I intend to get there by learning and refining everything I need to excel.
Given the world is not always nice and can frequently be cruel it is up to the individual to challenge the untruths spoken about us. My teachers believed I could never speak in front of crowds - it’s something I’ve mastered outside of their grip. My bullies believed they could belittle me until I became dust - I’ve chosen to stand tall and own my identity. My diagnostic reports brutally described a bleak future in which I would struggle at every turn - I’ve thrived.
Battling imposter syndrome is still a lifelong battle as you work through the different stages of growth spurts and challenging steps to the next phase of life, but it is something I can comfortably say is a beast I have tamed for the time being. That might just be the power of reflection and looking back at how far you’ve come. As a society we’re made to think about the here, now and next but that forces us to think about growth in an expansive way rather than a where our last foothold was. We’re always moving to a goal and not giving ourselves the space to celebrate the achievements we make as we meet them, another way to combat the voice of the imposter that lives in us all.
The trick to recognising yourself in your reflection, when your mind is making you feel small and insignificant is to ground yourself in the reality of your achievements, either small or large. Focusing on the positives that you’ve brought into the world is something that shouldn’t be understated for challenging the negativity around us. While there will always be the feeling on being an imposter, even in a space we feel comfortable those thoughts only have as much credence as we give them power to hold. When you drain the imposter thoughts of power and importantly comparison to others you flood your thoughts with self-belief and positivity, you manifest it into reality.
